SUBJECT: COMPLAINT TO EDINBURGH POLICE

Dear Sir / Madam / Automated telephone answering service

Having spent the past tweny minutes waiting for someone at Leith police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or ouiji board.

As I’m writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call then youths ?) in West Cromwell Street which is just off Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings thoughout the entire building. This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five walking abortions, are happily rummaging though several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it’s only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on its side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it, I would even go as far as to lend them the matches. unforunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street and I’ve only just finished decorating my kitchen.

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a clawhammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you’ll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start befors coming to arrest me.


I remain sir, your obedient servant

Mr. ************

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REPLY:


Dear Mr. **********

I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area, and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As community beat officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you. Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards

PC *******
Community Beat Officer

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Dear PC *******

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for the Leith police station and rest assured the I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate on your covert skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It’s surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI-5.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crime taking place in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time ) to these tw*ts that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere? The pitch behind the Citadel or the one at the docks are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Albert Dock.

Should YOU wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on ???????. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I’ll buy you a large one in the Compass Pub Bar.

Regards

Mr. ********


P.S. If you think that this is sacrcasm, think yourself lucky that you don’t work for the cleansing department (show less)